Han Solo’s Real Name Is …

Speaking at the University of Southern California on Thursday, Disney CEO Bob Iger got on the topic of the upcoming Han Solo standalone film. It “picks up with Han Solo when he was 18 years old and takes him through when he was 24,” Iger said. “There are a few significant things that happen in Han Solo’s life, like acquiring a certain vehicle and meeting a certain Wookiee, that will happen in this film. But you will also discover how he got his name.” Hold up, what? Rewind. Han Solo wasn’t born Han Solo?! Then what is his name?!

Claire McNear: Han Solo, it turns out, was just a mishearing of the abbreviated name Hansel O. In reality, Han Solo is Hansel Organa, long-lost son of Bail Organa and Queen Breha of Alderaan — which is to say, the adopted brother of Leia Organa, who just can’t help herself.

Ryan O’Hanlon: Ansel Elgort.

Riley McAtee: Jimmy McGill.

Rubie Edmondson: Han Duo.

Ben Lindbergh: If Disney is determined to erase the royal Solo line and trample on the childhoods of fans who were weaned on the old Expanded Universe, the least it could do is throw us a bone by making Han’s real name one of his EU aliases. There are 14 to choose from, including such excellent options as, um …

You know what? Never mind. Let’s just go with Han Cessna.

Sean Fennessey: My guess is Jessifer Garagiola Jr. I’d also like to make another guess: Steve Bannon.

Rob Harvilla: M. Idi Chlorians, because this franchise should explain the backstory of everything and everyone in the exact same way.

Alyssa Bereznak: Flan Solo. Like Han, but really into sponge-based desserts.

Jason Concepcion: Han Solo’s real name is Morty Kauffman. He got his nickname at the Imperial Academy, after he was caught in flagrante in the restroom with an issue of Legal Wookies magazine.

Michael Baumann: Corran Horn. The two Corellians — one a cop, the other a smuggler, one a Jedi, the other a skeptic — perfectly illustrate the duality of man, and they were able to coexist for months on the Mon Remonda without crossing paths. Of course they’re the same pers — *gets Tasered and dragged out of the room by Disney Continuity Police* — No! The Expanded Universe is still real! It’s the truth! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!

Justin Charity: His birth name is Henry Walton Jones Jr., with Dr. as his professional prefix. This is revealed in one of the earlier Star Wars films, Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sam Schube: In a loving nod to original Solo Harrison Ford’s recent predilection for crashing planes, Iger directed the Star Wars braintrust to make his character’s birth name Taxiway Shmuck.

Also Justin Charity: Hope Solo.

Jack McCluskey: His name is actually Nerf Herder, which is why he focused on Leia’s “scruffy-looking” comment — to throw her off the scent of his true identity.

Kate Knibbs: Star Wars has gone ultra-dark recently, so I’m guessing his name is really Han Skywalker. He was the secret triplet runt of Amidala and Anakin, and the reason “Ben Solo” turned into “Kylo Ren” is because he discovered he was the child of incest and got mad.

Chris Ryan: If it’s Anything Skywalker, I will LMFAOAOTESWU (laugh my f***ing a** off all over the Extended Star Wars Universe). Seriously, though: They can name him Walter White, so long as his origin story isn’t “magical child, abandoned, finds true destiny fighting against evil.” This dude is the space cowboy. Let him cook.